


Minor Flaws

by Aminte



Series: A love that could be [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Best Friends, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Insecurity, Jealous Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Jealousy, M/M, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), Pining, The Green Knight - Freeform, merwaine - Freeform, protective Lancelot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26607817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aminte/pseuds/Aminte
Summary: Gwaine comes back from his encounter with the Green Knight and feelings and secrets are revealed.
Relationships: Gwaine/Merlin (Merlin)
Series: A love that could be [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1935658
Comments: 6
Kudos: 185





	Minor Flaws

**Author's Note:**

  * For [recklessbrat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/recklessbrat/gifts).



Gwaine was tired, more than he had ever felt in his life.

His latest brush with death hadn’t ended well and he had to return to Camelot in shame.

Despite what people thought of him and his reputation, he didn’t lack morals.

To come back to his brothers in arms, not only defeated but revealed to have fallen to Morgana’s little plot was one of the hardest things he had ever decided to do.

Not even following Merlin to the Perilous Lands had him dreading every step like he was now.

_Merlin._

He could see him, clear as day, in his mind’s eye.

The bright blue eyes and plump, soft looking lips parted to laugh, colour high on his sharp cheekbones; simple, pure _joy_ tingling in his voice.

He preferred that image than the last memory they had together.

_Merlin had argued heatedly against Arthur and the rest of the knights, telling them that it was madness to send him to be slaughtered._

_Arthur had seemed torn but reminded everyone that this was a matter of honour, and as the Knight’s Code stated, it was either complying or humiliating every knight of Camelot._

_Merlin had countered telling him that it had also been against the Code to knight anyone that wasn’t of noble blood._

_But no matter how much he insisted he couldn’t twist Arthur’s hand and as a servant, he couldn’t do anything but glare at the rest of them._

_After it was decided that he had to go back to the Green Chapel and the meeting was dismissed, he had stayed behind, silently watching as Merlin grabbed the dirty goblets and placed them on a tray with more force than was necessary._

_“You should have more faith in me” he laughed, taking the last goblet from Merlin’s hand and drinking the remaining wine before placing it on the tray “I’m not that easy to kill”_

_His joke did nothing to ease the tension that had Merlin’s body taut as a bow string._

_“This isn’t a tavern brawl or a skirmish with bandits” the servant said crossing his arms “None of you understand who or rather what you will be facing”_

_“And you do?” he had asked, arching an eyebrow_

_Merlin had narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth but closed it almost as quickly, whatever he had thought of saying dying in his throat._

_“I’m clearly the only sensible one amongst you lot” replied Merlin instead_

_“Says the man who spearheaded to the Perilous Lands to rescue a princess” he teased, still trying to lighten the mood_

_Most people thought that he didn’t notice anything that wasn’t alcohol or women, when the truth was that it was all a façade. He observed, he analysed. In the life he had led before, it was either being vigilant or dying._

_And he didn’t like the expression on Merlin’s face._

_Merlin, who was his only real friend._

_Merlin who was so much more than that._

_Kind and mischievous Merlin now looked like a soldier; his teeth clenched until his jaw was one tense line._

_And his eyes…_

_Something dangerous was swirling in them, as if he could watch a storm brewing behind their blue._

_But just as he was going to ask him, the seriousness dissolved leaving only exhaustion in his features._

_“This and that are different, Gwaine” he sighed before taking the tray “You’re going alone now”_

_“I’m used to that” he shrugged, keeping in pace with the servant._

_Something in his tone must’ve been off because Merlin had stopped in the middle of the corridor and had grabbed his shoulder, his fingers squeezing hard._

_“I am not letting you die” he said fiercely, like a vow_

_The intensity had made something flutter inside him, but he masked it with a teasing chuckle._

_“Good to know that, Merls. But I’m not sure what you could do”_

_Grim determination took place in the other man’s face, his lips curled in defiance._

_“Just watch me”_

_The next day, before the knights went to see him off, Merlin had come to his room with a satchel filled with bandages and what he could only presume to be jars of salve and other medicine. The servant had instructed him about their uses and how to apply them, going as far as making him repeat the instructions to make sure he had memorized them._

_Next, he produced a wineskin, heavy with liquor._

_“A small,_ involuntary _gift from our gracious king” he said with a wink_

_At that Gwaine could only laugh, feeling as if the heaviness in his heart was suddenly dispelled by the glint in Merlin’s eyes and the soft, fond smile that graced his lips._

_Merlin cared._

_He was about to propose they shared a little, for good luck, when he realized Merlin was staring at him with an indecipherable expression._

_Before he could do anything, Merlin had stepped closer to him, pulling him flush against his body and embracing him tightly._

_His breath caught in his throat, unsure of how to react._

_He had hugged Merlin numerous times but never had he felt this sense of_ desperation _seeping into it._

_His friend’s heart was beating quick against his own chest and he tightened his hold in response._

_He could feel Merlin murmuring against his neck, the warmth of his breath sending shivers down his spine._

_He didn’t know how much time passed but Merlin started to let go until he was a step or two away from him._

_Gwaine noticed the way his eyes glimmered (were those unshed tears?) in the early morning light, his heart desperate to kneel at Merlin’s feet._

_“Don’t do anything stupid, please” said Merlin_

_The knight ached to pull him back into his arms, trying to soothe with touch the worry that tainted him, but he didn’t get the chance._

_The moment that he moved towards Merlin, Elyan had opened the door and told him that it was time._

_He had given Merlin an apologetic smile that was met with a trembling one._

_The King and his knights were assembled on the stone steps of the castle to send him off. Each of his brothers in arms had offered him their well wishes and frail promises of meeting again soon. Arthur had gripped his forearm and had said, for all to hear, that Sir Gwaine was an example to follow, not going back on his word even in the face of danger._

_“Do come back as soon as you finish” the King had teased him “I don’t want any more tavern bills from you”_

_Merlin had been silent during the whole exchange, oddly still beside Arthur. Smouldering with a quiet intensity that had him yearning and fearing looking directly at him._

_When it was time to say goodbye to him, Merlin had gripped his forearm the way Arthur had. And while his words were light and carefree, his eyes held the same expression that they had the day before. A storm before the first lightning struck the earth._

_Having said goodbye to everyone that mattered, he got on his horse, some instinct telling him that if he didn’t leave then, he wouldn’t be able to part from Merlin’s side at all._

_And even when he had been riding away, he could still feel Merlin’s eyes burning on his back._

What would Merlin say?

Would he be relieved that he was still alive? Or would he be disappointed in him?

That thought made his heart clench painfully in his chest.

He could deal with the scorn of his comrades but not Merlin’s.

Never his.

Merlin was the only one who had ever looked at him not only as the man he was but also the man he could be and had insisted on his unwavering faith in both.

And now…

Well, he would know, in time.

He continued riding until the white walls of Camelot came in view.

Some guards must’ve alerted Arthur because the king and his manservant were waiting for him on the steps, almost like they had when they had said goodbye.

This time though, as soon as he got off, Merlin was running towards him, almost tackling him to the floor with the force of his embrace.

“You’re back!” said Merlin, joy and relief tinting his voice

All of Gwaine’s worries disappeared under the warmth of Merlin’s body against his and the delighted laughter that escaped his lips.

Merlin distanced himself, still holding on to his shoulders, blue eyes scanning his face as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

“What? Did you doubt me?” he teased, the unease that had been poisoning him evaporating

“Not for a second” replied the servant, the combination between the honesty in his eyes and the way his cheeks pinkened, more than a welcome sight for the tired knight

“Ejem”

Both turned to see Arthur, clearing his throat and narrowing his eyes at them.

“Would you let go of Gwaine so I can finally greet him, _Mer_ lin?”

“Don’t be like that, princess, I definitely don’t mind having this sort of welcome” chuckled Gwaine, grinning roguishly at Merlin

“Yes, I can see that” replied Arthur in a clipped voice, his jaw tensing before his expression turned regal and distant, like he had seen it while holding court

Merlin raised an eyebrow at him but said nothing, letting go of Gwaine with a final squeeze to his shoulders.

“It’s good to see you back, Sir Gwaine” said Arthur while gripping his forearm.

Something in the way his teeth were gritting told the knight otherwise.

“After you rest and get freshened, I hope you will tell us how your quest went and why you’re wearing _that_ ” continued the king, pointing to the green belt that hung from Gwaine’s hips.

“Yes, sire”

“Until then. Merlin, come” ordered Arthur walking away without looking back, his servant following quickly with an apologetic smile towards the knight.

For once, Gwaine wasn’t looking forward to dinner.

* * *

A feast was held in his honour, for returning alive from what many were sure was an impossible quest.

And while he was more than happy to be back in Camelot, surrounded by his comrades and friends, he couldn’t enjoy himself.

Food tasted like nothing and wine was sour on his tongue, anxiously awaiting the moment when Arthur would ask him to regale them with what he thought would be the glorious tale of his victory against the Green Knight.

The first hour of the feast passed without him noticing. Most of his meal stayed untouched and when a slender hand came to take away the dish he was surprised to see that it belonged to Merlin.

The servant inclined himself as if offering more wine but took advantage of the position to whisper in his ear.

“Are you alright? You seem a little off for someone who has a banquet thrown in his honour”

Gwaine turned his head to look into the worried blue eyes of Merlin and felt himself forget all the words he had ever known.

It wasn’t that Merlin looked any different than he had before he left that made him stare at the servant as if he were admiring a work of art, but rather that he was so achingly familiar.

There he was, wearing his usual clothes, the blue tunic and red neckerchief and that ratty leather jacket that seemed to swallow him. With his delicate yet strong hands and his sculpted cheekbones and his soft lips and long lashes and…all of him, every part of him was so warm, so dear…

Merlin looked like _home._

“Gwaine?” Merlin questioned him, straightening again.

The knight shrugged and patted his forearm before taking a sip of his drink.

They exchanged a few more words before Merlin moved again, turning to look back at him every few steps.

None of them noticed the way the King had a white-knuckled grip on his goblet or the way his brow furrowed.

Suddenly, the clear sound of clanging metal stopped all conversations.

Arthur rose from his seat and gave a small speech about how he was glad that Gwaine had made it back alive, proving himself as a warrior.

Gwaine swallowed the bile that threatened to come up.

He could feel his ears buzzing while people around him toasted in his name at the King’s prompting.

Then, the moment everyone had been waiting for.

Arthur made him stand up and tell everyone how he had managed to win against the Green Knight.

He spoke of Lord Bertilak’s proposal and Lady Bertilak’s advances, earning him an equal number of raised eyebrows and whistles.

His eyes searched for Merlin amongst the crowds, hoping that his presence could anchor him.

But the expression on the servant’s face made his stomach drop.

Merlin’s jaw was clenched, and his lips had turned into a thin line. His body seemed to vibrate with nervous energy, like a skittish horse waiting for the chance to bolt.

When it came to revealing the ruse and how Morgana was involved, the collective gasp of the court deafened the sound of Merlin’s pitcher hitting the ground when the servant dropped it at the mention of the witch’s name.

The King did his best to appease his people and insisted on another toast to Gwaine for his cunning, but a single look towards his knights told them that the conversation would continue afterwards.

* * *

As soon as the feast was over, the knights were summoned to the Round Table chamber, where they found Arthur pacing while Merlin stood supporting his weight against the stone wall.

The sound of the heavy doors opening, and armour cladded men made them turn.

“Gwaine, you better have a good explanation as to _why_ _the hell_ you’re wearing something made by Morgana” demanded Arthur, voice cold “Because if it ends up helping her in any way, so help me god, I will kill you with my own hands”

Gwaine forced himself not to flinch.

The King glared at him; eyes sharp like a blade.

“Everyone sit”

The rest of the knights took their places at the table and Merlin positioned himself beside Arthur’s chair.

His closeness seemed to calm him somehow because the King pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a deep sigh before turning his head to look at his men.

While the glare he directed towards Gwaine hadn’t lost his edge, at least it wasn’t as murderous as before.

“Speak”

With a sigh, Gwaine repeated his story, insisting that he kept the belt because he had promised Bertilak that he would wear it as a reminder of their encounter. The Lord of the Green Chapel had sworn the belt didn’t have any enchantments and he hadn’t noticed anything strange about it in all the time he had worn it.

“There’s something else to consider too” said Arthur with a scowl “Not only did you indulge a married woman and didn’t speak about it to her husband, but you also broke your oath to the Green Knight by trying to deceive him. Such actions cannot be overlooked”

“I will take whatever punishment you see fit” answered Gwaine, back straight as a rod, his eyes never leaving the King’s despite how defeated he felt inside.

“This isn’t an offense to me as your king, Sir Gwaine. This is an offense to all the knights of Camelot and thus they should be the ones to decide your fate”

The knights deliberated in heated tones about what to do, without coming closer to a solution.

Then, Merlin’s voice cut through their chatter, ringing clear and strong.

“But why must there be a punishment at all?” he asked them, looking at each one in the eye

“Gwaine broke his oath. Enemy or not, he gave his word. Dishonesty goes against the Code” grunted Arthur

“He did what he had to do to survive! Or would you rather he got beheaded?” retorted Merlin vehemently

They continued arguing, Merlin insisting that Gwaine shouldn’t be punished. He spoke passionately on Gwaine’s behalf, until the knights decided it was time to vote.

“All in favour of forgoing the punishment of Sir Gwaine?” said Leon

“Aye!” replied the chorus of knights

Gwaine let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

Leon turned towards his king.

“Sire?”

“You’ve already given your vote; I’m not going to contest it. But” he turned to look directly at Gwaine, the perfect picture of royalty “If Gaius deems the belt to be harmless, you will have to continue wearing it. To serve you as a reminder that honesty is one of the core values of a knight and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. We cannot expect others to behave with integrity if we lack it ourselves. Let this be a lesson to you all” he addressed the rest of his men “Gwaine was extremely lucky that his actions were forgiven both by Bertilak and you. There might come a time when such luck runs out. Remember not to tempt fate, for she’s a cruel mistress. Always honour your word. You are all dismissed”

One by one the knights left the room, leaving Arthur, Merlin and Gwaine alone.

“Merlin, you go ahead. Prepare my bath and bring some wine to my chambers. I could use a cup before sleeping”

His servant quirked an eyebrow but complied.

Gwaine was about to ask what was going on when Arthur turned to him.

“I wasn’t lying, Gwaine” he said, straightening to his full height “You were very lucky today. If Merlin hadn’t intervened I’m not sure you would’ve been able to escape punishment. Not if it had been up to me alone, at least”

“Why didn’t you make the decision?”

“Because, as I said, it wasn’t an offense just against me. It is only fair that those who were wronged had a say in what happened to you”

“Uther would’ve had me hanged” said Gwaine hesitantly

“I’m not my father. You should also thank Merlin for that” grunted the king “Now leave before I change my mind”

* * *

Gwaine couldn’t sleep.

He tossed and turned in his bed, groaning in frustration.

The shadow of the belt on top of the table taunting him.

He should be grateful that his comrades had absolved him.

But his talk with Arthur had unsettled him, something in his demeanour betraying feelings aside from his righteous anger.

He huffed.

Thinking about it wasn’t going to solve anything, was it?

Just when he was about to get up to ask Gaius for a sleeping draught, he heard gentle knocking on his door.

He rose and walked to the door, opening it to reveal the beaming, if tired, face of Merlin.

“I’m glad you’re still awake” he said, slipping inside

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” asked Gwaine, a yawn escaping his lips

“I wanted to talk…about what happened with the Green Knight”

Gwaine’s shoulders sagged.

“I said all I had to say about that” he mumbled, gazing to the floor

Merlin placed his hand on his shoulder, prompting him to look up.

“You might be done with it, but I’m not. The way Arthur behaved back at the Round Table was out of line”

“He’s the king, he can do as he pleases”

“And since when do you care that he’s the king? One of the reasons you’re such a great knight is that you don’t bother with titles. Your respect is to be earned. You follow Arthur not because of his crown but because of who he _is…”_

Gwaine wanted to argue and tell Merlin that he was wrong. That the main reason he followed Arthur was because Merlin did too and his faith in the Pendragon prince had inspired him.

“But the way he talked to you tonight? That’s not the Arthur we know. I know that he’s worried about Morgana and her tricks, that he’s tired about running this kingdom. But none of that excuses his behaviour. You’re an honourable man. One of the best knights this land has ever known. You wouldn’t go back on your word on a whim. You did what you had to do to survive”

“I still broke the Code”

“And so did Lancelot when he first came here!” yelled Merlin crossing his arms “And we don’t shame him for it. He did it so he could make his dream come true, to help and protect the people. Was it wrong of him to go against archaic rules?”

“Ah, are you disagreeing with the great values of the knights, Merlin?” said Gwaine, his joke falling flat

Merlin narrowed his eyes at him.

“No, I’m being realistic about them. Virtue isn’t being flawless but rather, acknowledging the mistakes that you make and be willing to learn from them. We’re only human” sighed the servant, his head hanging low “There would be no hope for us if we were all to be condemned for trying our best to continue living”

Gwaine let himself be wrapped in the comfort of Merlin’s words, in their rawness and wisdom.

He smiled his first true smile since coming back.

He patted his friend’s back, his hand lingering a few seconds too long.

“Thank you, Merlin”

“Anytime, Gwaine, anytime”

* * *

When he was summoned to the King’s chambers, Gwaine didn’t feel particularly thrilled.

While Merlin’s little speech the night before had done wonders to ease him, the possibility of being lectured again by Arthur wasn’t high on his list of things he wanted to do.

The guards outside the room glanced at him but said nothing.

With a huff, he gave two knocks to the door and waited for Arthur to let him in.

“Ah. Sir Gwaine” said the King opening the door “Come in”

Gwaine had never been inside Arthur’s chambers before and he took a minute to look around.

For all his power and wealth, the princess didn’t seem too keen in flaunting his riches, if the simple decorations and sparse furniture were any indicator.

The King gestured to the chair in front of his desk and Gwaine took a seat, crossing his legs in a casual way. Whatever the blonde wanted to say, it wouldn’t be good to appear as uneasy as he was.

“You might be wondering why I summoned you” said Arthur, without looking up from the report he was reading

Gwaine gave a short nod and the King left the parchment on top of his desk, finally raising his head to meet his eyes.

“Yesterday, after the meeting, I was hoping to take a bath and finally sleep more than four hours. Imagine my surprise when _Merlin_ decided to ruin my plans with a rather lengthy speech about how much of a prat I was to you”

Maybe he should’ve been more surprised, Gwaine thought, but daring to chide the _King_ of all people, seemed like a very _Merlin_ thing to do. Somewhere deep inside, the knight rejoiced in the idea that the servant cared enough to go against the literal king for him.

Arthur didn’t wait for an answer before continuing.

“While he seems to lack all notions of his place, it hasn’t escaped my attention that this isn’t the first time he has come to your defence” he said, a note of bitterness seeping into his voice “I’ve been wondering as to _why”_

“That’s simply how he is” shrugged Gwaine, unsure of what Arthur was getting at “He doesn’t need any reasons to tell you off if he thinks you’re doing something wrong”

The blonde narrowed his eyes and he no longer looked like his friend and leader, but like a dangerous stranger, searching for a place to strike.

“And I’m sure you think that you know him well enough to say that, don’t you?” said Arthur, his hands forming fists on top of the desk

“What’s it to you?” grunted Gwaine

“That Merlin is _my_ servant and therefore he shouldn’t be wasting time with anyone and least of all going against me for _you._ So I would ask you that you took some distance from him”

Gwaine’s jaw hanged open.

“You can’t be serious. You can’t tell me who I’m allowed to be around. Merlin is my friend”

“He is _my_ servant!” growled Arthur, hitting the desk

“ _You don’t own him._ You have no more rights to him than I do!”

“Are you sure about that, _Sir Gwaine?”_

“I am” the knight said, rising from his seat “Let me be very clear. Merlin isn’t a thing; he can’t be owned. He’s free to choose whoever he wants to spend his time with. There’s nothing you can do about it. It’s not my fault that you can’t keep him by your side without having to force him”

The King blanched and then reddened, eyes narrowing dangerously.

“ _Get out”_

Gwaine glared at him.

“I said GET OUT!”

“Sire” the knight gave a mocking bow before leaving.

* * *

It was strange, he thought as he watched Merlin joke around with the rest of the knights, witty retorts at the ready.

He knew he was closer to Merlin than most, but he ached to be closer still. To be the one to hear his whispered secrets, to be the one to hold him when their weight became too much, like he knew Lancelot did. To be so cherished, so deeply wrapped in his affections that he couldn’t ever doubt that Merlin would always be beside him…like Arthur seemed ( _or wished?)_ to be.

He shook his head.

Not just that either…he wanted to be more than them. He wanted to be the one Merlin would come home to, the one to embrace him, the one he could give himself to without restrictions or fear or shame.

And he wanted to be the one to erase the shadows that lurked behind his smiles and easy laughter, to reassure him with his words and his hands and his lips. To be able to take and to give all that he could.

It wasn’t just a matter of desire, though he recognized the warm stir of lust in his gut as he took in Merlin’s long legs and the hidden strength of his shoulders.

He’d had his fair share of lovers before, people he had kissed and dismissed, faces that he could barely remember.

But Merlin wasn’t like them.

He had never felt this way about anyone else.

He was burning inside with the need to be closer.

Closer.

Closer.

As close as two people could possibly be.

He just didn’t know how.

Merlin was…different.

He never responded to his flirting with anything but playful retorts, never taking him seriously.

And while Merlin was endlessly charming with everyone, it was hard to determine if there was ever any sort of _romantic_ intention behind his beguiling smiles.

There was also the matter of Arthur.

There was no doubt in his mind as to why the King had deigned to threaten him personally.

If he were any wiser, he would listen to his leader and liege and back off.

But…

Gwaine pressed the palm of his hand to his chest, where his heart kept beating and beating as if calling for another.

He let out a sigh.

He had tried to escape this feeling before, unsuccessfully.

He was powerless in front of the wishes of his heart.

If he was going to have a chance, then he had to get as much help as he could.

He saw that Lancelot had finished his sparring with Elyan and was talking with Merlin, smiling fondly at the way the servant spoke while moving his hands animatedly.

An idea started forming in his mind.

* * *

“Hey Lance!” said Gwaine, casually supporting himself against the doorframe of his fellow knight’s room

“Gwaine? What are you doing here?”

“I thought I might have a word with you, if you had the time” replied the roguish knight with a nervous grin

“Is something wrong?” asked Lancelot as Gwaine moved inside the room, closing the door behind him

“Not wrong but…” Gwaine took a seat in the chair opposite to Lancelot’s bed and sighed “You’re close to Merlin, right?”

At the mention of the servant’s name Lancelot tensed and his eyes narrowed, he straightened his back and looked straight at him, as if daring to say a single word against Merlin.

“He’s my best friend” said the other knight, cautiously

“Do you know if he’s seeing anyone?”

“Seeing…?”

“You know, spending time with a particular individual…alone?”

“Like with Arthur?”

“ _Aside_ from his duties as a servant?” he clarified, miffed at the mention of the king

“Like when he dines with Arthur?” insisted Lancelot

“I’m talking about anyone who isn’t the princess!”

“Well, he does spend a lot of time alone with you” mused his comrade, tilting his head “Then again, he also spends time alone with me and with Leon training with the crossbow and with Elyan helping at the forge sometimes and I’m sure he’s gone with Percival to gather herbs a few times too. Like that?”

Gwaine wanted to slap him. He wasn’t sure if this was another expression of Lancelot’s famed purity or if he was acting oblivious on purpose.

“No, I meant…if he spent time with a partner, you know? A _romantic_ partner”

“Not that I know of, no” replied Lancelot “Why? I can’t see why his love life could be of any interest to you”

Gwaine tried to fight the heat creeping in his cheeks to no avail and he was sure that his friend could see it too.

Lancelot’s dark eyes narrowed, a dangerous glint to them that he had never seen outside the battlefield.

“What are you getting at, Gwaine? If this is about wanting a new bed mate, then I suggest you look elsewhere. You’ve made it plenty clear that you have no problems being _intimate_ with whoever is willing, so I would ask you to leave Merlin alone”

“So you’re the protector of his virtue now, then?” challenged Gwaine before he could stop himself

“I am his friend and as such it is my duty to look after him. I cannot let you turn him into another one-time lover, to use and abandon” spat Lancelot

“I would never do that to Merlin!”

“And why should I believe that? You’ve already demonstrated that your word is not to be taken seriously” growled the other knight

Gwaine felt like he was punched in the gut and that he needed to run away from Lancelot’s accusations but…

“Because I love him!” he yelled “There, I said it! I love him! I love him…” he ended up softer, suddenly self-conscious

His friend’s jaw hanged open.

“You…you love him?”

“I do. That’s why I came here. I want to do this right. I want to court him. I was hoping you could help me”

Lancelot let out a sigh, the tension deflating. His shoulders sagged and he supported his elbows on his knees.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Gwaine. I…I’ll think about it”

“That’s all I ask” replied Gwaine giving him a faint smile.

* * *

Training had been almost normal, if he ignored that Arthur’s attacks were a bit on the heavier side.

He was walking to the armoury to get his gear off when Lancelot ran up to him.

“Mind if I accompany you?”

“By all means”

The squires helped them take off the armour and chainmail, leaving them in their regular clothes.

The green belt still hanged from Gwaine’s hips, the colour contrasting rather nicely with his white tunic.

Lancelot gestured towards one of the benches and they sat together in expectant silence.

“I’ll help you” said Lancelot finally, a deep sigh escaping his lips

“You will?” asked Gwaine, surprised before narrowing his eyes in suspicion “Why? You didn’t seem keen on the idea before”

Lancelot levelled him with a serious look.

“You’re right, I’m not exactly comfortable with you trying to court him. Merlin is…he’s _good_ , Gwaine. One of the few truly _good_ people out there. He’s kind and always tries to do right by others. He’s done so much for Arthur, for Camelot…for us. He deserves to receive for once. To be cherished and honoured. He deserves a partner that will love him for all that he is, someone who will be _faithful_ and _true_ ” he said pointedly “But…even the purest of feelings mean nothing without the courage to embrace them. Merlin deserves someone who won’t be afraid of their own heart”

Gwaine frowned trying to decipher Lancelot’s last words when the King’s threats came to his mind.

“Arthur” he whispered, eyes widening “How did you know?”

“How doesn’t anyone else?” Lancelot chuckled humourlessly before his jaw set in a tight line “I respect Arthur as my king and I’m proud to follow him until I die. But I can’t trust him with Merlin’s heart. He doubts too much and while I know Merlin would do anything for him, he shouldn’t have to bear the weight of being brave for both of them”

Gwaine nodded, playing with the fraying ends of his green belt.

Courage.

Wasn’t that what the Keeper of the Bridge had called Arthur? He didn’t miss the irony that his famed valour had failed him in such a way.

Well then, he supposed, if Arthur didn’t have the Courage, Gwaine did have the Strength.

And now he had Lancelot on his side

* * *

The patrol had been an excuse to get out of the castle, Gwaine knew. If the way everyone’s mood had been playful and relaxed and they seemed more interested in trying to find something to hunt than the possibility of bandits was any indicator.

He let himself inhale the fresh forest air before letting it out in a sigh.

He looked at the front of the group where Arthur and Merlin were engaged in one of their customary banters, already in their own separate world.

Arthur’s shoulders were devoid of the tenseness that had taken place the moment he put on the crown and he was laughing merrily at something Merlin said. They were riding so close that the King could stretch his arm and pat his servant on the back before ruffling his dark locks.

“Merlin did this for him, didn’t he?” he asked Lancelot who was riding beside him

The other knight looked a bit confused before understanding downed on his face.

“I think he might’ve convinced Arthur that as King it would be appreciated if he went on patrol sometimes” chuckled Lancelot “Sly thing, our Merlin. If he decides that Arthur needs a break, then he makes it happen in a way that the king can’t complain”

Gwaine nodded before frowning.

He knew that Merlin would do the same for anyone else. But he also knew that he did it specially for Arthur, always anticipating his needs and figuring out what he wanted even when the king didn’t have the words to ask for it.

That sort of closeness…

He shook his head. While he was aware of Arthur’s feelings for Merlin, he didn’t know if they were reciprocated.

He wouldn’t give up unless Merlin himself told him to.

When he turned he realized that Lancelot had been staring at him for the past minute and when he asked if he had something on his face, the other knight simply shook his head and snorted, telling him he was an absurd creature.

That started their own back and forth, earning him more than a few sarcastic remarks.

He had often wondered what tied Merlin and Lancelot together, considering how different they were. Merlin was sweet but also had a penchant for mischief and disregarding the rules while Lancelot was much too polite and solemn. Now he knew better.

After stopping to set up camp and eating supper, the knights gathered around the fire to tell tales while they drunk a bit of watered-down ale.

Gwaine noticed that Arthur barely said anything, focused as he was on Merlin, who was telling them a story from his childhood in Ealdor. If Merlin even realized the way the king’s attention was solely on him, he didn’t show any sign.

Then Elyan yawned and the rest agreed that they better go to sleep, quickly deciding the turns for watch.

Lancelot and him took the first one while the others laid down on their sleeping rolls. After a few minutes all that could be heard were the soft snores of the slumbering men and the crackling of the wood being consumed by the fire.

“You haven’t taken your eyes off Merlin the whole day” whispered Lancelot while he poked the fire

“Do I ever?” he replied humourlessly, his eyes barely leaving the lumps that he knew were Arthur and Merlin, huddled close together.

Gwaine fell silent, consumed by his thoughts and Lancelot let him be.

“Sometimes I wish it was you” he said after some time

The other knight frowned a little, before turning his attention towards him.

“What do you mean?”

“Sometimes I wish it were you, instead of Arthur, who was in love with Merlin”

At his friend’s bewildered expression Gwaine gave him a rueful smile, the fire painting strange shadows on his face.

“It would be easier to deal with. You’re a good man, Lancelot, a true knight. I don’t plan to lose to Arthur, but if…if Merlin chose him, I don’t know how I would react. But if it were you…I know I could be truly happy for him”

Lancelot seemed abashed at the simple praise but the small quirk of his lips revealed that he was pleased, if only a little.

Someone shuffled in their sleep and groaned lowly, but they didn’t pay much attention.

“You’re a good man too, Gwaine. I know I’ve been hard on you but it’s only out of my wish to protect Merlin”

“Am I really? After what happened with the Green Knight…I…”

“Are you still blaming yourself?” wondered Lancelot, his eyes keen and posture attentive

Gwaine played with the hem of the green belt with his shoulders hunched, almost as if trying to escape his comrade’s judgement.

“You know no one condemns you” Lancelot whispered, gently clapping his shoulder

“Arthur does” he whispered

“Arthur was disappointed, and jealousy can cloud anyone’s mind. Do not take it so hard. If he truly thought you in the wrong, he would’ve punished you anyways, regardless of what we said”

“He said that I owed it to Merlin”

Lancelot smiled a little.

“Maybe. But he wouldn’t have risked the King’s temper if he thought you were guilty of anything. Merlin believes in you, as we all do. Do not take his faith lightly”

“Lancelot is right” said a soft, deep voice behind them, startling the knights.

“Merlin!” hissed Lancelot putting his hand to his chest “You almost gave me a heart attack”

“You know, for two famous warriors you’re ridiculously easy to sneak upon”

“Well, none of us thought you could walk in the dark without tripping, Merls” quipped Gwaine, sitting up from where he had fallen off the log

The servant helped him up and sat in between both of his friends.

“Lancelot is right, Gwaine” insisted Merlin, resuming their previous topic “You should stop blaming yourself. Yes, you might’ve gone against the Code but you did it to survive and no one can fault you for it. Your life is too precious to be wasted on a whim, specially against an enemy that had been tricking you from the start. I believe you’re a noble man”

Gwaine snorted at this and Merlin bumped their shoulders together playfully.

“I’m serious. I do believe it. What happened with the Green Knight doesn’t change that. So…”

And then, to Gwaine’s surprise, Merlin took his hand and intertwined their fingers, giving him a soft squeeze.

His hand was surprisingly soft for a servant’s and even if his fingers were cold, Gwaine could feel warmth spread through him.

“Trust me when I say that you’re a great knight”

Gwaine’s eyes were fixed on Merlin’s face, on the way the fire highlighted the sharpness of his cheekbones and the brightness of his eyes.

“Thank you” he said softly

Merlin just smiled and let his head drop to his shoulder.

“Anytime”.

* * *

Having Lancelot’s help was the best thing that could’ve happened to Gwaine.

While the ‘oh-so-noble’ knight didn’t waste any opportunities to mock him, he was also caring in his own subtle ways.

He talked about Merlin with him, about his various quirks and endearing qualities.

He always managed to get him as much time alone as he could with Merlin, even if it meant convincing him to help out the servant with Gaius’ errands.

When they went on patrol with the King, Lancelot tried his best to distract Arthur, engaging him in conversation and letting Gwaine catch up with Merlin.

Riding beside him was becoming one of his favourite things, if only he could finish talking before something or other happened.

It was common knowledge that living in Camelot meant being subjected to all manner of bizarre occurrences.

Slowly but surely, he felt that the walls Merlin had carefully built around him had started to crumble.

He had started to talk about _himself_.

About his mother, about his youth.

His fears, his wishes.

Every day came with new information, new things to discover about the man he loved.

The ache that had accompanied him since he first realized his feelings had lessened, Merlin’s closeness filling the gap in his heart.

For the first time he felt like things were going the way they were supposed to.

Until one patrol.

* * *

The bandits came out of nowhere.

One second the forest was as tranquil as it could be and the next, the faint sound of rustling leaves, the snap of a twig crushing under feet and they were surrounded.

Gwaine barely had the time to mentally complain about bandits always ruining his attempts to court Merlin before two of them engaged him in combat.

Even outnumbered the knights of Camelot were holding their ground. There was a reason they were called the best in all the Five Kingdoms.

That didn’t mean that the strain of fighting off at least three bandits each wasn’t affecting them.

“Merlin?” Gwaine panted, backing Lancelot, while some of the bandits circled them.

“He should be safe, I got him hidden” hissed his friend raising his sword.

They measured their enemies and after a heartbeat, the bandits lunged against them, the clanging of metal echoing through the forest.

Distracted as they were, they failed to notice the archer lurking around the trees, a few steps away from them.

“Gwaine!”

A voice yelled his name, he turned.

A second too late.

The bolt of the crossbow pierced his chainmail and embedded itself on his skin.

“NO!”

He grunted in pain and stumbled, the movement making the iron tip shift deep into his muscles.

The rest of the knights kept fighting, while Lancelot did his best to cover for him.

One of their enemies managed to slip past him though and went straight towards Gwaine, his axe raised to kill.

Suddenly, one of branches of the tree fell on top of the bandit, killing him instantly.

The same occurred to the ones that were fighting against Arthur.

Whatever bandits weren’t already out of combat got spooked by the sudden onslaught of deadly branches and left.

They had won.

Gwaine breathed heavily, supporting himself on the tree trunk behind him.

Not a second passed before Merlin, coming out of his hiding place, kneeled beside him and started removing his chainmail with careful, if slightly trembling fingers.

“No blood” he sighed in relief and proceeded to remove the bolt

Gwaine gritted his teeth to stop himself from screaming the moment Merlin yanked the bolt out.

But still no blood and Merlin didn’t look for his satchel where he knew he had the implements to clean and dress the wound.

Merlin gently pressed his hand to where the injury should be, his eyes inscrutable.

“You’re alright” he whispered, softly, ever so slighty caressing his chest with the tips of his fingers.

Gwaine felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore, the fluttering in his chest spreading to his whole body.

The rest of the knights came near once they had disposed of the fallen men.

“Is he alright?” asked Percival sheathing his sword

“Absolutely fine” smiled Merlin, his hand never leaving Gwaine’s chest “The bolt didn’t reach him, it got stuck in the chainmail”

Gwaine opened his mouth to contradict him, sure that the bolt had indeed pierced him. He could still feel the feeblest tinge of pain right above his ribs. Lancelot gave him a _look_ that had him shutting up.

For whatever reason, his comrade was warning him about saying anything.

The other knights fussed a little but when they were shown that he wasn’t bleeding they turned to tease him for his incredible luck.

Arthur rounded them and insisted that they should return to Camelot as soon as they could, not joining in the merrymaking.

They got back on their saddles and continued their way in silence until Elyan started whispering to Leon, voices cautiously low.

Gwaine though, kept his lips tightly shut, eyes never straying from Merlin who was once again riding next to Arthur.

Something wasn’t adding up.

* * *

Gwaine knew that he should’ve died.

By all accounts, he should be a corpse ready to burn in the ceremonial pyre of the Knights of Camelot.

But he wasn’t.

And no matter what the others said, he knew he wasn’t that lucky.

No, this didn’t have to do with luck…but did it have to do with the golden flash in Merlin’s eyes?

One of the perks of always being watching him was that he had managed to catch the brief glow of gold a few times already, but what it meant he didn’t know for sure, though he had his own suspicions about it.

He had heard him talking with Lancelot once or twice, the words clearly meaning something different than what they were outright saying.

He wished that Merlin would trust him the same way he did Lance.

After all this time, it seemed there were still secrets that Merlin didn’t want him to know.

Suddenly, he couldn’t bear it anymore.

He had to know.

He found Merlin grooming Arthur’s mare and told him to meet back at his room once he finished his chores.

Gwaine spent the rest of the day filled with nervousness.

He had barely managed to get through that day’s training, distracted as he was.

He ate his dinner as quickly as he could, almost running away from the table he shared with his comrades and all but running towards his room.

The minutes passed slower than he thought possible.

He started pacing.

Would Merlin even come?

As soon as he thought about going to fetch him, the door to his chambers opened and the servant came in.

“Gwaine! You said you wanted to talk?”

This was the difficult part.

“Merlin”

“What?” he asked, body tensing in alert

“I’m not blind. There’s no way a bolt shot from that distance wouldn’t make me bleed”

Merlin’s eyes widened.

“As Elyan said, you were lucky”

Gwaine shook his head.

“I know most think I’m a fool. But I’m sure about this. That bolt pierced me. I should’ve bled to death and I didn’t. And I know you had something to do with it”

Merlin’s body tensed immediately, his knees bending slightly as if preparing to run at any given time.

“Why won’t you tell me?”

“Gwaine…”

“Don’t you trust me?”

“I trust you! I trust you with my life”

“But you won’t tell me this, are you?”

“It isn’t that easy, Gwaine! I…there’s…something I have been hiding” said Merlin, fidgeting “Not just from you but from everyone else”

“But Lancelot knows” interrupted Gwaine

“Yes, Lance knows. I didn’t tell him, though. He just…he saw and he promised to keep my secret”

Merlin was obviously in distress, his body trembling the tiniest bit and he could barely look him in the eye.

It broke his heart.

Gwaine took a step forward and took one of his hands between his.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, Merlin” he said tenderly holding his hand even if his curiosity kept pestering him with questions “There’s no reason to force yourself. I’m sorry I brought this up”

“No, you misunderstand” Merlin shook his head and Gwaine noted that he didn’t take his hand back “I _want_ you to know. I want you to be the first person I tell. But…it’s better if I show you”

His earlier hesitance came back and he recoiled, finally distancing himself from Gwaine.

“When I show you…whatever you think of me will change. I know this. You might hate me. I…I won’t resent you if you wish to stop associating with me, but I beg you, please don’t tell Arthur. I can’t leave him or Camelot. Promise me” he asked, his blue eyes bright and imploring

“Nothing you can do could ever make me hate you, Merlin, I swear” vowed the knight, bringing a hand to cover his heart “I know my word doesn’t mean much now, but I give it to you anyways”

Merlin gave him a brittle smile, beautiful like the dying spark of a candle.

“Your promise means the world to me. I know you will keep it”

And then, taking a deep, shuddering breath, Merlin’s eyes changed colour.

The blue Gwaine had come to love melted into a gold so alluring and bright that it seemed like sunlight was pouring from his pupils.

He was mesmerized.

Merlin whispered words he couldn’t understand and then he opened his cupped hands, a myriad of glowing blue butterflies escaped his palms.

They fluttered around Gwaine, landing softly on his hair and his hands.

They weren’t cold at all, like he had expected, but rather, he could feel tiny hints of something akin to a pleasurable shiver.

All the while, Merlin stood there, his smile expanding and then disappearing almost immediately, unsure.

Gwaine took his time to marvel at the innocent display of magic before he shooed the butterflies away to pull Merlin into his arms.

“It’s amazing. You’re amazing. I’m so, so happy you decided to share this with me” he whispered in his ear. He could feel Merlin’s body quivering against him, his heart beating fast against his chest.

“You’re not…you…you don’t hate me?”

“I told you before, nothing could make me hate you” replied Gwaine

Merlin moved away slowly but the knight kept him close, holding his arms.

They looked at each other, searching.

Gwaine swallowed.

He had always admired Merlin’s appearance, but it was as if he were looking at him for the very first time.

Never had he looked so beautiful.

Whatever fears or stress that had been carefully hidden, were now gone.

And Merlin shone.

His eyes were back to blue, a colour more vibrant and purer than they had ever been. His lashes casted soft shadows upon his cheekbones that were slowly tinting with a rather alluring pink. And his smile, his smile was stunning in its joy.

Gwaine let go of his arms slowly.

Merlin raised his hand, fingers stretching to touch a lock of his hair.

When he noticed that he wasn’t rejected, he pushed his fingers into his hair, gently playing with it.

The smile he directed towards Gwaine was smaller then, a delicate, tender thing that set his heart on fire.

He couldn’t contain himself anymore.

Without any warning, he pushed himself forward, grabbing Merlin’s jaw to kiss him.

The first contact was like an electric shock, something that awakened every sense he possessed, making sure he could never forget that moment.

The softness of Merlin’s lips against his, the warmth of his mouth and how it moulded to fit them perfectly together.

His scent, like a forest after the rain, sweet and alive.

The sound of his sighs as he parted his lips to let their tongues tangle.

The taste of their kiss was intoxicating.

All he knew was that no fantasy could’ve ever prepared him for it.

He felt as if every nerve had been set alight; the sensation of Merlin against him, returning his kiss, overpowering all conscious thought.

They kissed and kissed.

Gwaine didn’t know and didn’t care for how long.

Their kisses got slower, mellower, until they stopped completely.

Gwaine brushed his knuckles against Merlin’s blushing cheek.

“I love you” he said softly, the words hanging delicately in the space between them.

Merlin seemed lost for words, eyes wide and blinking.

As if after a kiss like that he could still doubt the depth of his feelings.

Then, he grinned, nose and eyes crinkling before pecking his lips.

“I love you too” he said.

Gwaine laughed and hugged him tight before spinning him around and refusing to let go, no matter how much Merlin complained between his laughter.

The knight tripped and they fell on top of his bed, chests heaving trying to regain their breath.

“So…”

“So…”

“This wasn’t what I was expecting when you told me to come” said Merlin, the teasing grin clear in his voice.

Gwaine extended his arm and grabbed the tips of Merlin’s fingers.

“Neither was I”

They stayed in content silence for a few minutes, basking in the discovery of their feelings.

“So…”

“So…”

“You’re a sorcerer, then” said Gwaine, turning his head to look at Merlin

“Warlock, actually” shrugged the servant, looking nonchalant save for the tightening of his jaw and the wariness in his eyes

That moment Gwaine decided he never wanted to see him like that again.

“You know I don’t mind. Nothing can change my feelings for you, Merlin, nothing” said Gwaine fiercely “But I have to ask, what are you doing in Camelot? You’re constantly at risk here”

Merlin sighed and proceeded to tell him how his mother had decided he would be safer with Gaius helping him control his magic, that being hidden in plain sight would be better than risking being found out in Essetir and being enslaved as one of Cenred’s sorcerers.

He told him about Kilgarrah and what he knew of the prophecy.

All the while, Gwaine held his hand, alternating between squeezing It and caressing his knuckles.

“So that is why” he finally said, letting out an impressed whistle “No wonder why Lancelot insisted you were the bravest of us all”

“He exaggerates”

“No, I don’t think he does” replied Gwaine, sitting up “I always knew you were brave and loyal, and I’ve admired you for it. You could say that it was one of the things that made me fall in love with you”

“What? You didn’t fall for my good looks and quick wit?” asked Merlin, his blush coming back full force.

“That too” chuckled the knight helping his lover to sit up as well “You’re…you’re unbelievable, really” he shook his head “A sorcerer in the middle of Camelot…who would’ve thought? The rest would be so shocked their hair would fall off”

Merlin chuckled and patted his thighs, gesturing for Gwaine to rest his head on his lap.

“No one can know about me” said Merlin, his tone grave “It isn’t time yet”

“I will protect your secret with my life” vowed the knight

“It will never come to that”

“How are you so sure about it?”

“Simple. I won’t let it”

Gwaine laughed.

“So, are you ever going to tell me _how_ I managed to survive that crossbow bolt?”

Merlin gave a huff.

“Remember the morning you were to leave for the Green Chapel?”

Gwaine nodded “Yeah, I remember. You said you wouldn’t let me die”

“I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t come with you without raising suspicion and any amulet I could think of had a chance of getting lost or taken. And I couldn’t…I couldn’t risk it. The thought of losing you was unbearable. So, I looked for a protective spell strong enough to withstand countermeasures. I practiced the whole night and when I was sure I had finally gotten it right I came here. As long as I don’t dispel it myself, this ward should always be with you. No mortal weapons will be able to kill you”

Gwaine’s throat tightened, the knowledge that Merlin had been willing to do all that for him making him fall all over again.

“You’ve made me kind of immortal” he said, voice choked by emotion

“I just…you…I _love_ you. You’re the most important person to me”

The knight was about to reply when the image of blond hair and steely blue eyes came to his mind.

“What about Arthur?” he asked softly, almost a murmur

Merlin hesitated while running his fingers through Gwaine’s hair again.

“Arthur is…he’s precious to me. After all we’ve been through, there’s no denying the place he has in my heart. We’re bounded by destiny. But” he looked at Gwaine in the eye “Destiny can’t change the way I feel about you. This is a choice no one will take from me. I choose you and that’s all there is to it”

Gwaine wanted to ask if he knew about the King’s feelings for him but stopped. This wasn’t about Arthur anymore. Let his silence be his downfall.

He pulled Merlin’s head down so he could kiss him again.

Countless adventures and dangers lurked outside the room.

But for that single moment, he paid them no mind.

Whatever may come their way they would face.

Together.

**Author's Note:**

> For my dear sister, distinguished thothian, as a gift for finally becoming a dolma. 
> 
> Happy Birthday!
> 
> Be the Gwaine you want to see in the world


End file.
